Sometimes its hard to start things like this, without waves of self consciousness hitting me. But I realize the more I share, the more hopeful I am to reach out to more people who know what this feels like. Lately my moods have been in a disarray. I went for a psychological evaluation where once again my mental health was re diagnosed. Now they believe my bipolar tendencies are greater than the schizophrenia. It has been a confusing time and I have felt nothing but the urge to retreat from everything. Normally when a low hits escapism was a go to, but what happens when even that becomes too painful? So many people think they can understand what being down means. Some may even think they understand depression. But when you battle a low state of mind yet realize how fucking stupid it is to feel like this, its harder.
I get why so many who also suffer with this feel so torn, right now my life may not be perfect but I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, friends and a love who treats me like gold. Yet I cannot shake this darkness surrounding my mind and I hate it. It doesn’t just affect my moods, but my ability to function at times. I am a writer, so being inside my own head is natural. Normally when I am in it its a world full of characters and plots and exciting possibilities. But when I hit this bottom it turns into a bleak landscape with nothing just emptiness. Its cold, numbing and so exhausting to traverse. Worse yet is when I get close to pulling out it feels like the entry way back to the more expressive and imaginative mindscape is so close yet so far away. Ive been using music to try to pull me out of this one, music really does help a lot lately.
But I fear the low that will even make music empty to me, I should be used to things like this but its frustrating. I will be updating this blog more and more. I have other mental health stories on my Daily Kos blog as well under KalariGC I will be using this site for further posting and linking them under the Mental Health section of this site. Thank you for reading, and hopefully the next post will be brighter.