Mental Health

Things Fall Apart

Yesterday I took to my Twitter account to announce a serious beak from the medium. To be honest I dont even know how long ill be able to run this site. It feels like every time I try to take steps forward life reminds me that im not meant to be happy.  I feel melodramatic and weak writing this out, but its better to air things out here then keep it all in.

You see I moved in May to Michigan, it was hard but I had a purpose. I struggled with dark thoughts at my old place, I felt tired and alone. I wasnt getting the help I needed, but I held things together for my son. I lived off disability benefits after a series of severe nervous breakdowns due to so much crap in my life. I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia then bipolar, living with this has been rough but Ive done my best to hold things together for my son. I tried to make steps towards keeping myself together so that he would never worry about being hungry or homeless. I thought as long as I can take care of him I can handle anything.

But I now know what a failure I am, the state decided after one interview that my illness is not severe enough. Sure I can appeal, but how do you walk the balance of trying your damndest to hold things together for your most precious person, yet let people know you dont feel ok most days? Right now im tired and afraid, im losing my source of income and being told you are strong and smart enough to handle things. Ive always had to handle everything. Im always trying my best to be strong for everyone. And im tired. I just want to stop feeling. Ive got to spend the next few weeks getting my life together, as it stands im going to lose everything ive struggled to have. They tell my this right before the holidays as a real kick in my face. I dont know what im going to do.

If you are reading this, thank you. I dunno if it means anything to you, but as someone who constantly feels alone even around others I appreciate the time you took to read my inner thoughts.

adminKalari
Mom, activist, writer. I have a no nonsense world view and I am not afraid to share it.
http://diversevoicesnation.com

6 Replies to “Things Fall Apart

  1. Hi there, it’s your Tweep, Andie the Obamanista, here to tell you, you’re not a failure, I do care & I am sorry you’re struggling. If you need anything at all, DM me, okay? XOXOXOXO

  2. No need to wonder, this most certainly means something to me. You’re such a strong voice, in what I consider to be a tumultuous time. I want you to know that you, and your son, matter a great deal. Mental health is as important as physical health, and I hope you find the best resources to help you deal with everything you have on your plate. It’s a struggle being the bread winner, caregiver, voice for the marginalized…. all of the things. Thinking of, and sending love to you.

    Angel S

  3. I have had a life filled with stress and underlying mental health issues. I am 72 now. The reason I mention this is not to draw attention to ME, but to try to find words to give you hope. I went through some years when I thought there really is a purgatory. When I lost a job and had no income for months. I know from a deep place the feeling of despair and depression and not knowing what to do to change things and make it better.

    Don’t give up. Sometimes I can’t believe that I got through those dark years to find a better place. I’m not a churchgoing person, but it feels like I got a (undeserved) miracle. I hope you can find that small inner voice that pops up occasionally that says “it’s going to be alright.”

    I pray you find the inner strength to keep going forward. I can only say to you that I did come through those dark times. Please don’t give up. I pray that you come out the other side of this challenging time with a sense of relief and purpose. You have an important voice. You have the ability to use words to share your experience. Your words matter and you matter to the world. Just keep on keeping on. Stay strong. Be open to the help others at this critical time. Your journey is important. Your sufferings are not trivial. You share the essence of yourself with the world and all I can say is, DON’T GIVE UP. KEEP GOING.

    Words are so inadequate, aren’t they? I wish I was better with them. Sharing with you a feeling of love and hope and prayers – I say prayers because so many of mine were answered.

  4. Hey, its k. Swizzle (or kristen) from Twitter. I’m so fucking sorry you’re going through this mess especially going into winter. I cant imagine how scared you must feel. Mental illness runs strong in my family and I too have a private struggle I content with daily. I hope things work out for you guys. You deserve some peace and quiet. I hope you’ll grace us with your thoughts again on Twitter when you feel better. Much love, and you are not alone.

  5. You are not a failure. Our system that decides a person’s worth is based solely upon how much revenue they can generate for the wealthiest 2% has failed you and every other chronically ill person in this country. This is horrible and I’m so sorry it’s happening to you.

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