Yesterday I took to my Twitter account to announce a serious beak from the medium. To be honest I dont even know how long ill be able to run this site. It feels like every time I try to take steps forward life reminds me that im not meant to be happy. I feel melodramatic and weak writing this out, but its better to air things out here then keep it all in.
You see I moved in May to Michigan, it was hard but I had a purpose. I struggled with dark thoughts at my old place, I felt tired and alone. I wasnt getting the help I needed, but I held things together for my son. I lived off disability benefits after a series of severe nervous breakdowns due to so much crap in my life. I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia then bipolar, living with this has been rough but Ive done my best to hold things together for my son. I tried to make steps towards keeping myself together so that he would never worry about being hungry or homeless. I thought as long as I can take care of him I can handle anything.
But I now know what a failure I am, the state decided after one interview that my illness is not severe enough. Sure I can appeal, but how do you walk the balance of trying your damndest to hold things together for your most precious person, yet let people know you dont feel ok most days? Right now im tired and afraid, im losing my source of income and being told you are strong and smart enough to handle things. Ive always had to handle everything. Im always trying my best to be strong for everyone. And im tired. I just want to stop feeling. Ive got to spend the next few weeks getting my life together, as it stands im going to lose everything ive struggled to have. They tell my this right before the holidays as a real kick in my face. I dont know what im going to do.
If you are reading this, thank you. I dunno if it means anything to you, but as someone who constantly feels alone even around others I appreciate the time you took to read my inner thoughts.